Is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?

As someone who thinks of themselves as a devotee of love, Alfred, Lord Tennyson's In Memoriam A.H.H often finds itself floating across my mind. It comes as no surprise that one of the most powerful quotes about love, a heartfelt expression of grief, a man's dedication to a dear friend, now turned into a question has become what rules how I choose to interact with love in my own life. Although intially written as a statement, I enjoy posing this famous line as a question. When it comes to matters of the heart, what would you rather live with? Would you rather give love a chance with the risk of losing it all or would you rather just not give love a chance at all?

It is no secret that love is the driving force behind so many human interactions. Be it familial, platonic, or romantic. As humans, we are almost always driven by the pursuit of love. In some way, it can be viewed as the backbone of society. It's in the music we listen to, the books we read, the paintings we admire. Yet, it is still one of the most difficult emotions to put into words. It's hard to understand. It takes no single form. There are no rules, no playbooks, no cheatsheets. So I think it's not completely wrong to say that one of the tough things about love is that tends to be somewhat complicated.

One of the complications that come with love is that it is often laced with fear. Like a child who grows weary of a hot surface after accidently placing their hand on it, people tend to approach love with the same caution. We are subconsiously draped in our traumas and past disappointments. Whether it be wounds inflicted by parents in childhood or scorches from previous lovers and friends, we wear them invisibly but the weight of these fabrics can only be ignored for so long. Often times we aren't even forced to address the laundry until we are standing face to face with the opportunity to love and be loved.

Even with my own share of heartbreaks, I find that my answer to this question has never changed at all. I actually find it quite hard to be bitter about love. I much rather prefer to cherish the sweet memories that the pursuit of love has left me with. And when love comes knocking again, despite being faced with the risk of building a wall that may someday crumble, I still choose to give love a chance time and time again. A close friend once told me that she admired my ability to pick up and start again after disappointments. And that I give each new opportunity the kind of effort it deserves. But I haven't always been that way. I had to teach myself to develop that kind of approach to life and love.

As much as I am a romantic, I have also found necessary to sprinkle my own little doses of reality into life. So, what has made me this way?

Well, firstly, I believe that love is a learnt behaviour. When someone makes you feel safe, heard, prioritised, and cared for, it is easy to find yourself "falling in love" with them. There is a formula to being in love. It might not always be in the same doses and the recipe might differ from time to time, but the cocktail remains the same. So when in that mindset, it is easy to see that love is quite abundant. If you give yourself the chance to, you can find it over and over again.

Secondly, I am a firm believer in fresh pages and new leaves. I believe that every experience, be it good or bad, finds a way to become necessary in our life paths. It is so easy to dwell on the negatives and head down the woe is me path but at the end of the day, the person whom you are doing a disservice is yourself. Open yourself up to experience love, even if it may be shortlived. You will recover and you will be reunited with love again. It'll grow and it'll become even better. Not all is lost. In those moments, you will get to learn so much about yourself. You'll get a better understanding of what it is you are looking for, what you're willing to accept and what you're not. You'll learn how you want to be loved and your own capacity to give love. Life is the classroom in which we learn about love and the reality of it is that nobody can learn these lessons for you. So show up and teach yourself.

Lastly, take chances. Try out that long distance relationship despite not knowing how you'll navigate the logistics of it all. Go on that date with the person who isn't typically your type. Start a conversation with a stranger. Embrace the inconveniences. Love enjoys surprises. It tends to stop by when you least expect it, so familiarise yourself with breaking free from old habits. You never know what will be waiting on the other side.

So, if I have not made my answer clear yet, I will say it quite simply. I whole-heartedly agree with Lord Tennyson: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'.